I don't plan on being married in 5 weeks....maybe 4. I kind of find myself at a crossroads. It's actually a matter of choosing between the two....my wife...or the NHL Network.

When word spread that they would be unveiling an NHL Network this past week, I was mildly excited. Then I hit up channel 215 and my pants immediately flew off my body.

I never wanted to do crack, but I was always curious about how addictive people say it is. Well, the NHL Network is nothing like crack. It's not a drug, it's just a TV Network. Crack is very serious. It ruins lives. Addicts steal from their own families and kill other people just to acquire crack. Let's put things into perspective.

That being said, the NHL Network rules.
Sabres/ Bruins 1st round series from 1992? Yeah, they showed that.
Hey, want a random Kings/ Av's play-off game from 1996? Yeah, they got that too?
Say there, who were the 10 best Goalies of 2001? Funny you should ask. Here's an hour long show where they count down the top 10 Goalies of 2001.

Not to mention hours and hours and hours and hours of Non-stop High definition Hockey highlights and analysis in a country that previously didn't show hockey highlights on sports networks because everyone else in this world is a mooron who doesn't deserve to understand how awesome hockey is.

(I spelled mooron wrong on purpose. It sounds funnier when you use a Cow-noise. Sorry...i've had too much coffee.)

Non-hockey fans are probably reading this blog right now and wishing they were dead. Good.  I'm glad they're going to die soon. That way I can put my feet up on them and lay my beer on their cold purple necks as I watch more NHL Network.

They don't understand that the most awesome gift God could possibly give the human race was bestowed upon us. That gift is love....not the NHL network. Love is the reason we are all here.....the NHL Network is just a television channel. Let's stay focused people.

The NHL Network rules. If you don't like hockey...I'll try to put it's awesomeness into terms you can understand.
Let's say, you see a picture of Kristy Swanson that you think is cool.
Now let's say that the picture of Krisy Swanson comes to life, gives you a back rub and starts cooking you Nachos.
That's right! The original Buffy the Vampire Slayer just gave you a back-rub.

Let's say you don't like back rubs...and still don't understand how awesome the NHL Network is.
Well....instead you like Ice-cream. Well the NHL Network is Double-Fudge Nut Break Dance that comes to life and rubs your back.

(again...the coffee.)

The point is this.
I've watched so much NHL Network, my eyes have the NHL Network logo burned into the lower left corner of the retina. The only way my wife can get my attention is by sliding across the kitchen floor and pumping her fists in the air like Theo Fluery did for the Calgary Flames in the 1989 Stanley Cup Finals. She even had to rip 3 of her teeth out. It's super-hot.

So, if you need me, I'll be watching the NHL Network. Like you didn't know that already. Unless you're illiterate, in which case get some help.