Bachelorette Recap- Welcome Back to Hell
“All of my good friends call me Wolf”- Wolf
We’ve waited a long time for the return of the Bachelorette. Some prisoners wait a long time to be put to death. I’ll bet it’s a similar feeling. I don’t know what I did to deserve a 90-minute series premiere but I’ll obviously pay for it somewhere down the line. ABC never rolls out 90-minute premieres.
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I'm So Dirty Right Now
The NHL Playoffs can do strange things to a man, and I'm not talking about the beard growth or abandonment of family. I just spent 2 and a half hours rooting for a team that I've hated my entire life. The Boston Bruins could have done Buffalo a big favor in the playoff race Thursday night if they managed to beat Washington. They did not
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Bauch: Hockey Burns My Esophagus
The unofficial WGR Cafeteria in the building across from our studios serves a mean Jack Daniels Chicken sandwich. An anonymous source told me that they sometimes use Jim Bean but it doesn’t matter to this sandwich enthusiast. It went down in seconds and it went down good, like a Reggie Miller 3.
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Bachelor Recap- Oh My Dad! It's Over!
I can’t believe that it is finally over.
I’m told that I woke my wife up from a sound sleep 7 times this past week screaming, “Did Ben find love yet?!!”
Doctors call it ‘Night Terrors’. I call it the Bachelor.
We’ve had a long, boring, magical, majestic journey this season on the Bachelor. And ABC did us all a solid with a 3-hour finale to make sure
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Bachelor Recap- The Women All Talk At Once
It’s one last giant push to be on television, one sprawling reach at the lime light, one last desperate grasp at being relevant. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you ‘The Bachelor- The Women Tell All’ episode. Or, as I like to call it, ‘Watch the Studio Audience Hate Courtney’!!!
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Bachelor Recap- Hot Tub Trifecta
Bachelor Producers are magical. I’m sorry, Bachelor producers are actually majestic (the word ‘majestic’ got thrown around a lot last night so I’ve decided to adopt it for my recaps).Bachelor producers can take 11 minutes of content and stretch into a 2-hour episode. There was some making out last night and conversations about nothing but, luckily, ABC rolled out some old
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Bachelor Recap- Please Impregnate My Daughter
There are two kinds of people who read my Bachelor Recaps, those who actually watch the show and the lucky people; the people who will never know pain. I hope so badly that you did not just waste the brain cells it takes to have your eyes tell your brain that you're watching the Bachelor. Those cells do not grow back.
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Bachelor Recap- If Only My Boyfriend Didn't Have 5 Other Girlfriends
Ben Groban has narrowed down his search for love to 6 women. They’re in Belize. There is only one “Can you Belize…” joke the entire episode. I’m upset, to say the least. This episode of the Bachelor is huge because, next week, Ben travels to the hometown of the 4 remaining Game Show contestants. (Spoiler Alert! That's not the last time you're going
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Bachelor Recap- Super Bowl Eating Disorders
If there is farmland in America in need of water for their crops, they should send guys with buckets to the set of the Bachelor. There’s lots of crying tonight. The promos are calling for a 100% chance of stormy eyes and temperatures in the 1,000’s!
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You're Awesome, Buffalo
"I don't know if you guys have been to the hotels in Buffalo, but they're not the nicest places in the world."- Tom Brady
This is the quote that has exploded all over my Twitter and Facebook like Spaghetti sauce in a microwave.
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Bachelor Recap- Dumping a Girl and Pushing Her Off on an Inner Tube
“Game over ladies… or Game on.”
Indeed.
We’re neck deep in a typical season of a bad show. Quotes like that gem are all over the place on the Bachelor and I’m finding it hard to keep up with the fun. Ben has narrowed down his search for love to a dozen or so women. It’s anyone’s game at this point, except society’s.
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Bachelor Recap- I Almost Just Want to Rip Her Head Off and Verbally Assault Her
Things are getting serious on everyone’s favorite television show. Ben has just over a dozen girlfriends remaining and he has to marry one. It’s anyone’s game at this point.
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Bachelor Recap- On a Scale of 1-to-10, I Think I'm Gonna Throw Up
Tonight, our Bachelor Television audience is carried away to Ben’s hometown of San Francisco. This will be so much better than our trip to Ben’s hometown of Sonoma. Ben doesn’t mess around. He does everything in multitude; 25 girlfriends and 2 hometowns. Ben probably has a map of the United States in his bedroom with push pins identifying all of his hometowns.
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Bachelor Recap- Showing Your Chest to Children
This week’s episode of the Bachelor takes us to Ben Groban’s hometown of Sonoma. Ben’s hometown is Sonoma. The Bachelor, Ben, is from Sonoma. They go to Sonoma, the hometown of Ben… which happens to be… Sonoma.
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Bachelor Recap- Did you guys see the Promo for Work It??!!!
Here are some quotes from last night’s Season Premiere of the Bachelor to start the recap:
“It is beyond words how awesome it is to be here.”
“I’m at the point of my life where I’m a model.”
“I’m real.”
“Don’t worry about her. You’re squashing that, right?”
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Bauch: Please Don't Give me $250 Million
It’s so hard for me to climb inside of the mind of a professional athlete. I consider sit-ups the equivalent of chewing, why bother?
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Bachelor Pad Recap- The Longest 3 hours of My Life
I’d compare surviving a season of Bachelor Pad to making it through this year's 162-game Astros season, but it doesn’t fit. The Astros suck but, at least they don’t get drunk and have sex with each other.
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Bachelor Pad Recap- I Hate This Show
Forget everything you know about Power Couples, which is nothing. This game has changed.
Ten plastic beings remain on the Bachelor Pad and ABC has broken down the contest into couples. I know what you’re thinking, “Greg, they can’t do that becau…” SHUT UP! They can do that. They did do that. It’s done.
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Bachelor Pad Recap- Power Couples Will Destroy Us All
My favorite part of Bachelor Pad is the recap from the week before. Casey Mumbles saying, “Jake’s a snake” is the height of comedy. I rewound it 40 times. Last week, Jake went home, even though my recap may have read otherwise. (It was 1:30 in the morning! It’s a confusing show!)
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Bachelor Pad Recap- Expanding My Capacity for Hate
I would like to take a brief moment to thank ABC for eliminating co-host Melissa Raycroft from the show. In adding nothing, Melissa always managed to annoy me. I also found it absurd that anyone would think hosting the Bachelor Pad by himself was something that Chris Harrison couldn’t do.
There is a ton of drama this week on the Bachelor Pad.
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Bachelor Pad Recap- Bean Bag Face Finds Love!
ABC takes their foot off of the gas a bit to give us all a break. Bachelor Pad is only 2 hours this week.
Casey Mumbles wants to punch Jake for America. Since he can’t punch him, he’s going to punch Jake mentally.
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Bachelor Pad Recap- Please Do Not Read This
This world is full of egregious injustices; the cost of fountain pop at movie theatres, blacked out Pittsburgh Pirate games in Buffalo, Blues Brothers 2000. No criminal enterprise can top ABC and the punishing 3 HOUR SEASON PREMIERE THEY ROLLED OUT MONDAY NIGHT!
3 hours is a prison sentence.
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Bachelorette Recap- Sweet Merciful Lord It's Over
I feel like Andy Dufresne, emerging from the Shawshank Prison sewage tunnel and falling out into freedom.
No more Ashley H.
It’s finally over.
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Bachelorette Recap- Men Tell All
I’d like to take a minute before I recap ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette- The Men Tell All’ episode to apologize to my readers. There may be some poor folks out there who stumbled upon this blog, read about the awful things happening on ABC and decided to tune in to see if the Bachelorette could possibly be the worst thing to ever happen to mankind.
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Bachelorette Recap- Filthy in Fiji
Three of the worst episodes remain in this season of the Bachelorette . This is like biking 1,000 miles in the Tour de France and finding out that you now get to start climbing the mountains.
The group flies to
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--Bachelorette Recap- ABC Bores America
Ashley is almost done torturing America. First she has to annoy a couple of families and then dump one of her boyfriends. It’s almost over everyone, I promise.
J.P., Bean Bag Face, Josh Groban and Josh Groban remain on this, the worst, season of the Bachelorette.
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Bachelorette Recap- Back with a Vengence
The Bachelorette took a week off for our nation's birthday. It was a nice vacation for me. It was very much like when, in an action movie, the hero is lifted up out of a bathtub full of water while being tortured by terrorists.
I gasped for some air and then ABC jammed by head right back into that tub last night for 2 hours.
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Another 'I Love Terry Pegula' Column
I’m the youngest of 7 kids. We didn’t get Burger King, we got home burgers. We didn’t get Coco Puffs or even Cheerios. We got Toasted Oats and generic bags of a cereal called Wheat Puffs.
Every once and a while, my Dad’s friend, Uncle Leo, would take us fishing. Going fishing with Uncle Leo always meant a trip to McDonald’s.
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Bachelorette Recap- Awesome in Hong Kong
If ABC made a dog the next Bachelorette and had twelve guys yelling, “Here boy!” while holding out Snausages for the Rose Ceremony, it would be the same thing as using Ashley H.
Ashley is stupid, insecure and desperate and I’m tired of watching her beg for reassurance. This, of course, made last night’s episode of the Bachelorette awesome.
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Bachelorette Recap- This Woman is Pathetic
Darth Vader and Johnny from the Karate Kid have a lot to learn about being the bad guy. Bentley from this season of the Bachelorette has surpassed all evil-doers. Lebron James’ 7th game press conference, where he basically told people that he didn’t mind if they hated him because he was rich and they weren’t, has nothing on Bentley’s diabolical Bachelorette blasts.
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Bachelorette Recap- Where'd He Get Pajamas?
Seriously, if you’re in a room full of people and do not want to cry, don’t read this recap. It’s super emotional. IT’S THE MOST DRAMATIC BACHELORETTE EVER!!!!!!!11111ELEVENTY!!!!!!!!
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Darth Vadar Stops by the Studio
Darth Vadar was in town, so he stopped by the WGR 550 studio to give Bulldog a Star Wars/ Bisons uniform. He also played some Match Game, which will be in the Audio Vault shortly.
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Bachelorette Recap- Making Vegas Un-Fun
Ashley H. thinks she has found her husband.
ABC will still suck 10-or-so weeks of my life away with this summer's edition of 'The Bachelorette', but Ashley H. thinks she has found her husband. I guess it's not hard to sift through the 17 remaining contestants on the show when most of them have been planted by the producers to add monotonous drama.
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Miss Piggy Comparison
For the record, I don't think Lauren, one of the finalist for American Idol, looks like a pig. She's a pretty young woman. She just happens to remind me of Miss Piggy, without a pig nose.
I'll let you, the listener, see if I'm out of my mind.
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Bachelorette Recap- Some guy wore a mask
I wish the ‘Rapture’ people were right but the World did not end on Saturday so I have to watch another season of the Bachelorette. Thanks for coming back to follow along with what can only be described as a complete waste of time. And, if you’re new to my Bachelor or Bachelorette recaps, please leave.
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Injury Power Rankings
Here is a Power-Ranking of the injuries I'd least like to witness or suffer.
This topic came about while Mike Schopp and the Bulldog were discussing Thomas Vanek's recent fractured jaw. Mike seemed to think a broken face is the worst pain you could experience. Chris wanted nothing to do with re-habbing a torn achilles tendon.
Greg Bauch's Injury Power Rankings:
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Reality Check
4,000 people emailed me and called me a loser for watching the Bachelor. Actually, one guy just sent the same email 4,000 times.
That man will be happy to know that my wife and I hunkered down for some 'Bachelor' Monday night and the Mrs. fell asleep a half-hour in. I then proceeded to watch the next hour and a half knowing that she was out-cold.
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Reality TV Check
People always ask me, "Why do you 'HAVE' to watch 'The Bachelor' and 'American Idol' and I tell them, "Mom! It's 3 o'clock in the morning. Stop calling here."
I'm a grown man. I don't HAVE to do anything. But, I'm also a married man. So, I HAVE to watch 'The Bachelor' and 'American Idol'. I would rather lick a wasps' nest.
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Ten Thousand Goals
Every time the Buffalo Sabres score a goal it makes me happy. Whether the team is tied 0-0 in the 4th overtime of a playoff game against the New Jersey Devils or trailing the Ottawa Senators 5-to-1 late in the third period, I get a jolt of joy. Of course, the level of excitement varies, but I have never not been happy to see the Sabres score a goal.
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