I made this big decision that I was going to ride my bike to work at least 2 times a week. The logic is: It'll save us money on gas and it'll be good exercise. Win-Win. It's about an 8 and a half mile trek from Wheatfield to the studio in Amherst...so, roughly 17 miles a day.
I'm well aware of the fact that I'm a complete waste of organs and that I'm never serious about anything but, for the first time in my life I am actually coming through on one of these pathetic promises I make to myself. I rode in on my bike for the third time today. My rear feels like it's been beaten by a nun with a steel rod....but it's a good hurt.
It's weird, I was cruising in today and I was overwhelmed by this tremendous sense of accomplishment. I actually thought I was making a statement for middle class America. If 1% of the population controls 99% of the money, and a lot of that money comes from oil, then this was my way of telling those Oil Tycoon fat-cats that they can take their oil and shove it where the sun doesn't shine! I suppose you would have to leave the oil out in the sun and wait for it to dry up in order to actually shove it into something, but you get the point.
Then my oxygen deprived brain began thinking, "I'm fighting terrorism! We're fighting a war over oil. Our young people are dying in the fight for oil...so I'm showing the world that I don't need their oil! I have a bike!"
I thought, "Screw you Saddam! I'm not going to be a slave to your dying source of energy!"
(Editor's note: Greg has no idea what he's talking about)
((Author's note: Screw you editor! You've changed man!))
(((Associate Editor's note: It's true. Editor used to be cool.)))
((((Author's note: Word. High-five Associate editor. I'm gonna call you 'assosh' for short.))))
(Editor's note: I don't think the extra parenthesis on the outside of the original parenthesis actually mean anything.)
(((((Author's note: Go to hell, punctuation nazi!!!!))))))))))))))
So there I am, riding a bike and winning the war on terrorism. Each peddle was a punch to the gut of global warming and Oil companies' billion dollar profits.
I'm thinking "If everyone actually rode their bike to work twice a week, cutting usage by 40% gas prices would drop a dollar in a week."
Then I ran my bike into a curb, hit my chin on my handle bar.
I just hope people know that, every time you lay down a curb along a street, the terrorists win.
(Editor's note: Please be on the look out for another Buffalo Stand-up comic podcast coming soon to the audio vault)((Author's note: Stop sucking up to me you car driving terrorist!))
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